Forty-one. That's how old I was when Joey made me a grandmother. The maths is simple enough: I had my first daughter at 17, she had Joey at 23, and suddenly I was a grandparent who still didn't quite feel like a grown-up. I'd barely got used to the idea of being a mum.
Because it all happened so young for me, the frustrations of early parenthood are still vivid — and a lot of that frustration, I'm sorry to say, was aimed squarely at my own mum. I was certain she was undermining me, ignoring how I wanted to raise my kids, doing her own thing on purpose. Looking back, I was stretched thin and, in all honesty, a bit immature. I simply didn't grasp what a grandparent is for — understandable, perhaps, when I was still half a kid myself.
A quarter-century of parenting later, and now on the other side of it as a grandparent, I've come to see that the bond between a child and their grandparent is its own distinct thing. Handled with a little patience and grace on both sides, it can be a genuine joy. Here's what I've worked out from living it twice over.
1. Grandparents WANT to help
I lost count of the hours I spent agonising over whether to ask my mum to babysit. Surely it was an imposition, I thought — tiring, tedious, the very thing I sometimes found small children to be.
What I hadn't grasped is how different it feels from the other chair. As a grandparent, the relentless grind and the heavy responsibility aren't yours to carry. That changes everything. You get the joy without the exhaustion, which makes the whole thing a pleasure rather than a burden.
None of that means boundaries don't matter. I work full time, and a long day with a toddler can flatten anyone, so the answer is a frank chat up front — and a clear understanding that "no" is always an acceptable answer. Help freely given only stays that way when it's never assumed.
2. Grandparents know what they're doing
Spare a thought for the grandparent hovering anxiously at your shoulder, double-checking their grip on the baby or fretting over whether lunch had enough vegetables in it. That same nervous person raised their own children all the way to adulthood. Every new parent is convinced they've cracked the code — and fair enough — but every now and then, throw us a little credit. We've been doing this a good deal longer than you.
Sure, plenty has changed since our day. Car seats, for a start (how on earth did they get so complicated?). We know the rules move on. But the heart of it — keeping a small person fed, safe, and adored — hasn't shifted one bit, and we've never forgotten how.
3. Grandparents WILL dish out treats
There was a time my mum's habits made me see red. She'd "discreetly" polish off my daughters' carrots so they'd qualify for pudding, or hand out sweets the moment my back was turned at work. All that fuming, I now realise, was completely pointless. She was going to do it regardless — spoiling grandchildren is more or less the role's defining perk.
Cast your mind back to your own grandparents' house. Mine always had Mini Milks waiting in the freezer, and that small thrill is one of my clearest childhood memories. A handful of treats won't undo anyone — and what sticks around isn't the sugar, it's the warmth.
4. Grandparents are on your side
I know it can land like meddling. But behind almost every comment is plain love. I hear it in myself these days — a gentle question, a nudge toward some awkward subject — and I say it anyway, even at the risk of being the nagging granny, because I know full well that no parent can keep every plate spinning at once.
So when I offer, "I was wondering — shall I take Joey to have his feet measured?", hear what I actually mean. It isn't "you've let Joey's feet go." It's "I can see how much you're juggling, and I'd love to take something off the pile." Next time a remark from a parent or in-law gets your back up, pause a beat and give them the kinder reading. It's usually the true one.
Grandparents deserve a simple, golden spot in your child's heart. In a perfect world they'll have your back and respect your calls on what really counts — but when it comes to the small stuff, letting it go costs you nothing. Make room for what grandparents bring, and savour it while you can.
